


Fingertips On The Glass Surface

by graspthesanity



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: F/M, Kylux - Freeform, M/M, Reylo - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-18
Updated: 2021-01-25
Packaged: 2021-03-01 21:28:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,818
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23723851
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/graspthesanity/pseuds/graspthesanity
Summary: Some barge their way in, late, in a fur coat, like a viewing or an unexpected guest at a wedding.
Relationships: Armitage Hux/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Armitage Hux/Kylo Ren, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 4
Kudos: 6





	1. Chapter 1

So many people head out of our lives that we never know when the conclusion of the final conversation is and who had the last word to the heavens in the end. But some barge their way in, late, in a fur coat, like a viewing or an unexpected guest at a wedding. But sometimes the heart aches for wanting, sometimes it’s confused and sometimes everything falls into place. Sometimes it’s so intense that the pieces of the board game get burnt and shatter.

I saw her first on mine and Armitage’s wedding. We didn’t have much money, so it only seemed reasonable to finish the wedding in a massive celebration by sneaking into the university building, since it was summer and everyone was very slow to respond to a few clinking glasses of champagne. We all sat in a circle, glasses this time instead of just spinning the full bottle of cheap Portuguese wine and making out with whomever, wondering how our lives would turn out, who would have dogs or kids or both. Adoption made it’s way in, so it was easier and many weren’t that shut on the idea of having kids and of course, now it was more than obvious or a shared secret that only cis hets could do it.

Armitage snuck a kiss right before she came in, stumbling, visibly late. I was too drunk to recall who she was. Some ex? Naw, looked too good to be a beard. She kissed both of us on our heated up by alcohol cheeks.

“Sorry, Armie, I’m here here…” And she flopped down on the floor, like the rest of us. My tie was long discarded, same as Armitage’s. I looked at her fur coat and flimsy dress. I wondered if it was really that cold in the evenings, but then our capes were made out of wool and we insisted on taking the university church and all. She started to blabber drunk. “It was so, so beautiful…”

“Ahem.” He cleared his throat and laughed. I watched them quietly, sipping my wine. The coat fell off one shoulder, exposing a strap of her dress and shoulder.

“I know, I know, you don’t like weddings, darling, but… It was beautiful and this…” She raised her hands up to signal upon the surroundings. “Is even better.”

I wondered why she had said that, when she had been bottled up for the past five years as well. What was wrong with her? Sure, there was some nostalgia involved, but I became way too drunk that I began thinking beyond reasoning. Watching her giggle, whisper to people saying things and then me and Armitage just laid on our backs, someone had snuck a joint, so the sweet smell of weed was inside the corridor we snuck into. I recalled meetings, late classes and scary professors. It was all so sudden, it was as if it was all cut off. We were getting married right after graduation. It was weird, now that I think of it… We were making the highest commitment known to cis het people, which made me wonder a lot if it changed anything. Neither of us knew what the future really held, but we wanted to be together and we had been together. We even took dancing classes together, we were that kind of couple.

Sometimes I wish we were a bit different from the normal, a bit more different. I don’t know what I meant. I knew that commitment scared me and I came from a divorced family, so of course in my early years I had been hammered that there would be something wrong with me. I had even forgotten things. I nearly ended up smoking weed instead of cigarettes which I was used to. I wondered if this would slide. Weed would, cigarettes? Probably. I smoked two in a row, which was enough to make Armie laugh. He laid on his side, watching me and not holding laughter back, so it felt like we were alone in the room, even though it was far from one. He intertwined my legs with his. People went quiet and we made out, I tasted more cigarettes on him and I was thankful for that.

Then we mixed more alcohol into our system, as we walked outside and kept going straight towards the park with all the memorial plates of graduated classes. I didn’t feel that attached to my class, but it was strange being known. Armitage, sure. He was always running around with notes and was awfully active. I tried to be, but I would get overwhelmed and being new to the country didn’t help much.

But I still couldn´t find her face in my memory.

Everyone scattered through the park and Armie had taken advantage of choosing somewhere to piss, which was just great, so I had to stand and watch, the only light coming from the emerging sun, thoughts of hook ups I had here as well.

I glanced behind me, recalling a faint sweet memory of sunrises. I forget many things, but it was strange to still recall tender moments with lovers which were no longer lovers, moved to friends or nothing, so I let it be. Armie was taking his time, until I realized that I was guarding no one, I had been glued to the rails, watching the sleepy city below, not really awaking at its usual hour and soon enough the girl joined me.

“I always knew that you and Armie would marry.” She smiled, genuinely.

“Yeah, well… many had bet on that.” I felt somewhat uncomfortable in her presence, as if she was a witch of some sort. Her eyes were far too piercing. I didn’t make too much eye contact with her. She seemed to have cracked me. It was like a sly fox, navigating through the forest, holding a mouse in its teeth and making sure that her meal would reach the children without getting attacked by other predators, because there is always a bigger predator watching after you.

“I know. That’s why I never intruded.” My skin felt a bit cold all of a sudden and that’s when it was her turn to watch the sleepy city.

“Intruded?” I cleared my throat and my voice was higher than usual, filled with surprise.

“I had a massive crush on you.” She giggled. She was wasted. Then she turned and looked at me. “And that went nowhere.”

She clasped her hands together.

How do I tell her that I don’t know her?

“I mean… I knew you were gay and that was that. Didn’t bother with my luck…” Her lips now a thin line and looking at the rooftops, then up to the sky. Only then, when her chin was lifted to see the clouds pass by, she looked at me, I was taller than she was.

I looked behind us. There was no one.

“He grounds you.” She said and patted me on the back, clinging onto my celebrational fabric. Her coat, surprisingly still with her, was now opened and the wind fluttered it noiselessly. “I wouldn’t be able to do that.”

“I…” I tried to reply to her, but instead she just waved it off.

“Barely know me, I know. But it´s a girl’s dream. You watch someone sometimes in the corridors, hoping he will notice you, but you were with guys and then you found Armie, who was a friend of mine. We got drunk one night and we both said we liked you. I told him to go get you, since you were gay and all. Some things are set in stone.” She inhales heavily. “Like you and Armie.”

“Sexuality is fluid.” I said that suddenly, surprising myself and her eyes went wide, but before she could reply, I turned around and lit another cigarette, stretching my arms above me, with a yawn.

She didn’t know what to say, as a stronger gust of wind blew between us.


	2. Chapter 2

Sexuality is fluid.

I woke up, with my own voice ringing in my ears. I rubbed my eyes, knowing that it would be another numb day while waiting for job hunting offers to come back. It felt as if only the morning mattered. Armitage already got a job, I wasn’t getting rejected or accepted yet, but I waited. Because people were lazy animals in general, I happen to be falling under that curse of waiting for replies.

It felt weird that after graduating and getting married, I had to quickly circle the jobs I’d print out before using the rest of the postings for a collage. I wouldn’t make it to art museums, but who said that I wouldn’t make a student do it for me? Oddly enough, despite the rough childhood I had, a had a soft spot for kids.

It took another four days for the interview and another three to get hired, making it a week and then Armitage and me could high five each other while watching telly.

I was walking home from work hunting and nearly got run over on the sidewalk by a car, which I very well knew included two intoxicated guys waiting to just go and fuck somewhere, waiving at me.

When did I last do that? Armitage didn’t like to fuck outside. And he had been tired from his small law firm. His pay was better than mine, which was no surprise and certainly we didn’t expect the other way round.

I somehow was the guy who didn’t believe in love, that someone could crack my skull and rearrange my brain the same way it was prior. I ended up collecting a bunch of hook ups who liked me, jumping from one to another, having more and more sex, better than the last, recovering faster than before. Then Armitage came along, someone who stood by me, an anchor.

I stopped everything. I started having the feeling that I should settle and only made sense to choose someone who wanted a closed relationship, no more Grindr, without the taste of another man’s blood on his lips. He jumped from long relationships to another within the span of days, as if he would walk into a club and choose the first one to be only his for the next five years.

“Grindr… I’m not that guy.” I would just remember his surprised smile, wanting to know what it was like being me and he listened, even though I could never recall the expression on his eyes that day.

I kept walking, recalling all of that. I still had friends that I’ve hooked up with or simply hit it off as friends and Armitage tagged along. It wasn’t that they didn’t like him, it was simply that he never had many stories to tell, just exes who cheated on him through the routes of Grindr. During those stories, everyone nodded, understanding that we are in the wrong, somehow, because anything too sexualized and usual for gay men, something out of the box, was wrong. Maybe I shouldn’t have gotten married and settled, but I loved Armitage, so it seemed reasonable. I had to end somewhere, right?

I couldn’t make a balloon out of collected hearts.

I’d pop them all out-

“Kylo!” And there it was. A chirpy voice. We both stopped in front of the old chemistry building as the bell signalled the end of the hour. Rey, as I found out by asking Armitage, walked towards me. She was more strictly dressed and was really determined to see what was beyond my eyes. She was the intoxicated girl in the coat, who had a crush on me. She seemed more kept to herself today, but her cheeks were either flushed by too much blush or by nature. “H-how are you? How’s the married life?”

Was she shy?

Apparently. It wasn’t an abnormal reaction, I guess. She kept trying to find something in my eyes, but what was it that I could offer?

“Good.” I said simply. Rey just nodded. She remembered it all. I could tell.

To be fair, I never had luck with girls, even when I tried. I’d always be distracted by the guy crossing the street and that’d be the end of the story or I’d open Grindr, bored, mid-date. It’s strange that I had stopped it all entirely for some dream of fidelity and feeling complete. Maybe it was because my parents were tired of never seeing a stable boyfriend and always seeing me sucking someone off without a condom due to some Sex Ed article I had read. I always wanted to taste the guy anyway, regardless of his genitalia. That was something that seemed stupid to discriminate against. I never understood walking in a room where all the gays looked the same and wanted some BB orgy and turned down trans men at every mention of them.

I looked at the girl. I probably would’ve experimented with, then failed to hook up with her. Would that be seen as a compliment or as a misplaced bouquet.

I was never good with flowers. I kept looking in her eyes, time standing still, as if the world had exploded and she looked back, as I saw the sun, the moon and the stars in every blink of her hazel eyes. I spaced out on people, a lot, a lot. I would stare at hook ups and promise myself they’d be the one. I liked to trick my brain or maybe my brain tricked me into believing that for that one night, love was real and had an expiry date.

I couldn’t even figure out which bouquet of flowers to give her if I were.

We bid our byes and walked separate locations, knowing that we just parted in any direction just not to follow the other.

For the rest of the week time seemed to slow down and speed up until it vanished entirely. The novelty of being away from actually being a student became the routine, like a far away joke me and Armitage would mention. We even got a cat, when he was feeling down. Something at his job happened with a client, which I respected his privacy about… He ended up telling anyway, with the ginger cat in his arms, as we walked home from the mall’s pet store. But occasionally, I could recall Rey and our brief meeting, it wasn’t that my mind wandered there too often.

I didn’t know where I knew her from.

She had a crush.

But no matter how much I asked myself the question before sleep, the answer would fade into the dream like clouds on the night sky palette.

I wondered what would happen if I never saw her again, the possibility was high. And somehow that started growing like a tumor in my brain… Taking all the space until Armitage had asked me during breakfast what was on my mind.

I stopped midway with butter on my bread and stared at the blade, which was catching my confused eyes. He held the silence, worriedly. I never seemed to crack like this. He knew that I held myself to myself, but when I was angry, I would make everyone know. I had even a physical fight with a teacher back in high school which made my reputation ring through out the halls and outside.

“Rey.” I said her name calmly, as there was something trembling inside me. Armitage just took a bite of his own bread and the cat was between his feet, looking at me with curiosity, possibly.

“What of her?” He asked.

I couldn’t say that the thought of never crossing paths again was something that kept putting me to sleep every night with a twist of mystery, just like she had held her fur coat then.

Was she the woman who walked in the middle of supper, interrupting the already full table?

Was she the comedy or the drama?

“I don’t know her.” I said softly, but my husband thought little of it from his facial expression. I swallowed.

“You do know her, Kylo.” Armitage said his voice a bit stern now. I looked at him confused and he replied in a hushed tone, an old name I had even forgotten about.

“She transitioned?” I said without thinking and my husband nodded, biting a slice of his bread.

“So don’t be a fool and look all wide eyed. She got her hormones early, just that we weren’t close, and why would you pay attention to someone who was quietly transitioning? You took it as a human being.” He sat confused at my silence. He shifted uncomfortably. “She’s been single for quite a while. I mean… she’s straight.”

He threw his hair back, as he hadn’t gelled it yet.

“I tell her that there’s someone out there for her, that she doesn’t have to limit herself… But of course there’s a bunch of fetishists…” He bites his bread and swallows. “You know what that’s like. Trans, gay, bisexual… We all end up as an experiment to the wrong hands… Whether it’s for sexual pleasure or clownery.”

I remained silent, now recalling her face slowly and filling in the gaps of the girl.

Armitage looked at me with his cool toned eyes.

“Yeah, she had a crush on you.” I felt my blood rush. “But she didn’t dare to sleep with you, she respected your boundaries.”

“Did the crush go away?” I felt my breath slower than usual.

Millicent meowed loudly under Armitage’s feet and he reached down to stroke her.

“Dunno. She kinda stopped talking to me out of respect on that matter since we got together.”

I crossed my cutlery and rubbed my eyes.

“I… I might’ve said something sensitive to her… a few days ago, on my way to work.” I mumbled. “You have her number?”

“What did you say?” An awful silence with occasional pleased meowing stood between us and the ticking of the morning with the rising sun. I didn’t reply to Armitage’s question. Instead he sent me her contact via WhatsApp, without further questions, relying on the fact that I’d tell sooner or later.


	3. Chapter 3

“I didn’t know.”

“Didn’t know what?”

“No… Sorry, that’s not how you say it.” I sighed and drank more of my lager. She seemed curiously interested in me, she dressed to the nines for sure, I could see her rummaging her closet and telling herself to calm down, but she still was the best dressed here even if I went for an all-black outfit and seemed to be in the mind to impress as well. Armitage jokingly said that I looked like I was in my Grindr days.

I took a shot of vodka before leaving, something I would do if the hook up was too sketchy, and then water, as if nothing had happened and a quick mint. Her hazel eyes watched my trembling hands.

“Didn’t know what, Kylo?” She asked quieter, so that our voices could be muffled in the bar along with the people which were rooting for the national derby.

“I… Forgot you were Armitage’s friend. Your… hair was shorter.” She blinked once and then she got it, thankfully. As I nodded towards her hair’s new style which she had been growing since… I ever saw her, now that I had all the pieces together.

“Oh. Right! Sorry…” She laughed and covered her mouth. “Yeah, short hair is a good way of putting it, thank you. Really respectful.”

She exhaled.

“Well, that’s thankfully out of the way…”

“Yeah.” I nodded and bit my lips.

“I had a crush on you long ago, don’t worry.” She gulped down beer, it seemed to be a massive lie, as she looked away. “You’re not into women anyway. And I know that you helped a few kids, well, from the younger years when they were bullied for a heavier time. So, I have no intention and neither do you.”

She seemed to be nervous and I wasn’t better. She continued to chatter on.

“You’re gay and I’m straight… The other aspect is-“

“Doesn’t come into play.” I continued. “You’re a woman, Rey. I don’t care what your parents believed or some doctors.”

Rey looked at me all glass eyed and drank her beer further, that I had to order two more for the both of us. We clung our glasses together. And then we looked at each other. Then at the screen in front of us, as we sat on the bar, since everything else was taken.

My team scored, which was also her team and we made an awkward dance of a double high five and let our hands drop to the sides.

“I never had hook ups.” She muttered her eyes closed.

“I had plenty.” I was drinking her beer now, as the bar tender wasn’t ready for our heavy consumption even against the population of celebration.

“I know.” She said and took her hand off her eyes, looking at me directly. “Have you ever wanted to fuck someone so badly because you couldn’t?”

Rey’s voice trembled, as she covered one eye with her hand leisurely on her forehead.

“Been there.” I felt like I was only exhaling. “I’m… bad at signals so I usually… Have my hand down the pants about now, regardless, assuming that the person is into me.”

“Armie is mono.” She continued muttering. “He’d kill me… He’d kill you too… Not to mention we’re like… other ends of sexualities.”

She gestured wildly and I just stared at her hands.

“This isn’t good.” I said. This was going to blow up in our faces from all the lip biting and the crossed legs, all of the ideas of how it could go wrong. It was even comical. But we stopped even looking at each other, looking up, as if asking Armitage what he thought of this, but just like God didn’t exist, neither could Armitage reply now. Why was I even horny now? I nearly said that out loud, but bit my tongue until blood.

“I should probably go.” Rey said, but I couldn’t reply to her. We just stared again as another goal was scored, the final whistle blew, people started screaming, nearly throwing their glasses in the air and when we got hit by the cold sticky liquid we had already been making out for more than a few seconds in order for her to stay. That didn’t stop us or Rey sitting on top of me and I had never kissed a woman until now, it was just as fiery and I was fully erect as far as I was aware. I wanted to touch her all over.

Her hair was nearly perfectly done from my ruffling.

People were still celebrating, and I wondered what I was even doing as we aimed for another kiss until the bar quieted down and we sat on our stools, quickly paying the bill.

We snuck out, hand in hand, quietly I tried thinking of all the places where we could hook up, which I had used before. I thought of a park nearby, but she pulled me suddenly against a large graffiti which had some insane quote about missing people and the city. I couldn’t get enough of her, as her hand cupped the head of my cock, gasping as I grabbed her breasts.

I started biting her neck, as I could promise to myself to ignore the lights which were turning on from her moans. I had to stick my tongue down her throat. I hadn’t carried condoms in years. We awkwardly shuffled around the question. Rey pulled embarrassingly some from her bag, saying she just hoped to be one to be more promiscuous someday.

That some day proved to be today.

I lifted her dress, pulled her underwear to the side, touched her, made sure she was lubricated and slid in carefully, which she pressed her forehead against my shoulder. I held her like that, before she started kissing me passionately with no end in sight as I started pushing inside her. She clung onto me for her dear life, as I couldn’t stop, I couldn’t comprehend the hunger that I held. I knew her love was fuelling this and some desire in my mind… But could her love fuel the both of us?

“Kylo… Kylo…” She kept on moaning, as I didn’t care about some other drunk couple stumbling into our alleyway and turning around to find another corner to fuck in. She brought her lips to my own and then she screamed as an orgasm took over her and I slowly rubbed her once more for another muffled moan and came inside her as well, my head clearing up very suddenly. She was still clinging onto me like a monkey, distressed and I felt my t-shirt wet were her face was… I was slowly growing soft with embarrassment and analysis of the situation.

I awkwardly took off the condom and we watched it, as I slowly tied it up and threw it at a nearby bin, missing… but it was far from the first condom discarded on the streets of this town.

We stood there, silently fixing our clothes.

Neither of us had anything to say.

“Woo… Sporting?” Rey offered, but then fell silent, as we looked at each other ashamed, knowing that this would drag onto a sleepless night if we went home. I tried to reach out to her, but instead she seemed to be wanting to start the walk of shame we both should do.

We were still heavily breathing each other’s breath and staring at one another’s feet.


	4. Chapter 4

My mind was blank. I bought a pack of cigarettes on the way home and nearly tearing the box open. I figured that women’s perfume and someone else’s scent are harder to explain that going back to cigarettes. I stood in the entrance of our street for a long while, cursing at every single car which tried to wade into the labyrinth of narrow streets and dead ends ahead.

I ended up crouching and sitting at one of the house’s doorsteps, hearing an old Strokes song which I couldn’t recall by name. I kept smoking slowly, wishing time would stop and I would manage to find the fragments of my soul somewhere with dignity.

It felt like I was exploring something I wasn’t allowed to or comfortable with before. I gently leaned my head against the wooden door, not to spook the old lady leaving, as my eyes closed. I recalled all the trouble which came to me from merely talking to men and how I spiralled down when I was written out of the family, as if I never existed. I felt like I was a monster hungry for blood. I had never slept with so many men, I had never confessed love to so many strangers and I had never felt so free. I had probably hooked up around the entire city with every winding street which went any way down or up and different cars with open windows in the summer.

Why now?

I was married. I coughed.

I had never entangled myself in such commitment as I had with Armitage. I didn’t know how he’d even react. I mean, I had told him once when drunk that I would never forgive myself if I cheated on him. That guilt was rising up and bubbling inside my body.

I had could barely recall how we had left, but it was abrupt. I could still feel her skin on my lips, fingertips…

I should run to the bathroom for a shower, I noted, as I walked up the stairs in the building, dodging some last year students who were excitedly waving their coats around. Dunno what excitement could they possibly have in their last year, but they would play music to which me and Armitage would muffle.

I silently opened the door, while Armitage was reading in bed, eyes nearly closing, as I darted to the bathroom. Suddenly my whole body started shaking. I couldn’t look at the mirror, so I turned on the water and stepped in.

I took off my clothes as water was turning warmer and splashing against it. I brushed my teeth quickly. Armitage had dozed off while I bathed. But he opened his eyes and kissed me, a bit surprised at my mixture of tastes.

“Toothpaste?” He leaned closer and I didn’t flinch. “Tabaco?”

“I… Rey was smoking and kinda gave in, sorry.” I looked down and he just waved it off.

He couldn’t imagine it.

He couldn’t see me cheating.

He snuggled against me.

I couldn’t sleep so I felt like I had seen the morning sun reflected on our walls as Armitage’s breathing was even with the morning and I was the only disturbance in our lives.

I kept checking my phone even if I hadn’t slept and I couldn’t bring myself to even text her. Maybe that was for the best, that she wouldn’t do a first step. I had no clue how straight couples did it anyway. I just kept refreshing different reddit pages, reading news and I had to breathe. I went to the gym, nothing out of the usual. Routine didn’t feel stressful, but nothing could clear my mind. Even when my husband offered to drink to our strong marriage, nothing faded me.

It felt strange as this lie led my mind elsewhere but the world kept spinning. It was as if, nothing could be touched and nothing would be shattered either.

I took the long route back, walking past a guy I had surely shagged during my grindr days, but we both ducked our heads. We don’t change, as people, I guess. Perhaps we even fall in love the same way, we tell ourselves that we change, that the way we love changes, but it’s all seasonal, it becomes like a cycle.

I didn’t want to go home. I walked slower and slower, until I reached the apartment, knowing that I couldn’t tell my husband of my infidelity. I knew so many guys who I slept with and maybe this was fate’s way of payback. To feel in their shoes, longing for something or just falling apart with a new desire? What was it that drove us all together in this mess?

What happens when the love withers?

I wake up one morning, Armitage had gone to work, I replied bleakly that I was up and stared at the coffee until it cooled down.

I still haven’t spoken to Rey.

I could barely allow myself to speak of her.

What would I tell her?

Eventually I turned my phone on and searched for her number. I wasn’t really into texting. I couldn’t wait. I guess people just connect, like magnets.

I called.

I was sure she was looking at the caller ID, maybe she walked out and now had wind in her face. Maybe that’s when she picked up.

“Hey.” I spoke. I didn’t know what to say. Would I want to never speak to her again? Somehow that idea seemed to plague my vision, I leaned against the kitchen sink and waited for her to reply.

“Hey, I… I thought it was a one time thing.” She confessed quietly. She was pacing somewhere with an echo. “I mean… you’re married. Fuck. You-“

She was saying things we both knew yet they meant nothing. I drummed my fingers against the sink, as if I was biding time. I was being ridiculous.

“I already broke it. I already cheated.” Was this some downwards spiral?

“Everyone makes mistakes.” She said with a sigh, I could see her bring her hand to her forehead and biting her lips after every single word. “You can still go back. You’re married.”

I wanted to break the phone, as if it was evidence, but I felt that my whole body was burning. I closed my eyes.

“If it’s just sex… It’s just sex.” I muttered.

“But is it just sex?”

I dropped the call and turned off my phone again, refusing to answer the question to anyone, even myself.

I wondered why I had cheated, as if it was some answer I could find in myself. I ended up walking more than usual and Armitage noticed my restlessness and my increased gym time, but I hadn’t seen Rey, I hadn’t called her since then. I just wanted to know what was going on with me. I even debated on seeing a psychologist, but the call could never be dialled and I couldn’t text anyone. I just didn’t want to utter words which broke down worlds, I seemed to think of it as the ultimate sin.

One night I even thought of telling Armitage, but I just paced until he was home and ended up suggesting we order some food and we watched a movie.

I vomited during the night, I was becoming strained. I didn’t know why I was crucifying myself by being in the same state of deterioration and escalating the psychological self-mutilation. I was torturing myself even though the answer was clear in the water, I seemed to hate myself.

I hated myself for what I did and I had decided my punishment. Yet, I wasn’t satisfied with the outcome. It was as if I had wanted to make myself suffer more.


	5. Chapter 5

“What if it’s just sex?”

“Would you forgive yourself then?” I stared at the screen, as I got a reply from her. I even downloaded Grindr quickly to scroll and see man candy, but my mind was consumed by Rey. This was far from good.

I was dreading waking up, I felt like I couldn’t even feel Armitage at this point. I felt like he became a ghost, a transparent being which was sped up to would leave in the morning and come back before I would. I smoked like crazy, taking up an old habit. Armitage would say I smelled like an ashtray, but never forced me to stop. He headed down as I was smoking my second in a row. I had my eyes closed.

“You alright, Kylo?” He asked and I looked at him. I felt like I couldn’t see him anymore. I just shrugged and let him hold me. When would he become fully transparent? What would I do so as well?

He grabbed my hands and held them until I yelped from the sudden pain. He would do this when I was dissociating from reality. Still, he seemed like a fever dream until I cursed him out. He folded his arms, waiting for me to stop, because he knew that my anger outbursts would pass and he’d yank me to my doctor again if he would see more trouble than usual. I did miss my medication this morning, maybe that’s why I couldn’t function. Armitage blew out all his air and stepped closer to me.

“What’s going on?” He asked and I felt small. I felt like the little prince, which everyone romanticized around me, even though I did enjoy it when I was much smaller. It was far from something I would even recall once a year, if it wasn’t for the ridiculous amount of merch around it.

I was the villain, but maybe he would be the villain to himself.

Armitage was monogamous. I knew that, I’ve heard him talk before we even became a thing, how monogamy would work for him, that he’d settle and be happy. We never actually opened a conversation about polyamory. Armitage just answered once that we were exclusive. I deleted Grindr once we started dating, it’s not like I wasn’t getting enough sex either. Things weren’t bad.

I had my demons and now I had one more, myself. I pressed my head against his shoulder and held tight onto his sweater. How were we not cold?

My heart was beating fast.

I raised my head, my eyes covered my hair and Armitage took my face in his hands, as rain slowly started to trinkle, but it was just annoying, nothing past that.

I couldn’t do this to him.

I looked at him, my whole body trembling and he understood me like no other. He had known everything about me, to this point.

I couldn’t cry. I stopped crying a long time ago, because it felt like it never made me feel better and abusive parents didn’t help with their ‘be more manly’.

“I’m…” Could I? Let me burn in hell, but don’t let me take Armitage with me. “…I fucked up.”

I dropped my head against his shoulder again. He was tense, but he held me. I felt that he was holding his breath, trying to find the right words. I knew him. Why was I throwing him away? I should accept my fate.

“You were never monogamous, Kylo.” He said suddenly and my eyes widened. He let out a huff and ruffled his hair, closing his eyes. “I… should’ve known. I’m sorry. I just… I just remember reading this paper that gay men would roam around having sex, but… I thought the end game was settling with one person.”

He was breathing, quickly, nervous, heart sped up.

“I don’t wanna be left in the dark. I don’t want to hurt you either…” His hands were trembling but he stepped back to see my face and let out a soft smile towards my wide eyes. “I thought that you just wanted to forget your past. I fucking knew that after you’d get hard with me, before we dated, you would find anyone ginger and fuck them in the park.”

I blinked at him. I felt my face turned red, yet Arimitage held me.

“I cheated.” I was arguing with myself.

“Well… you told it… Sure, I’m gonna ground you.” He rolled his eyes.

“You should dump me!” I exclaimed.

“Is that what you really want?” His eyes narrowed at me and he seemed to not hesitate to make a fool out of me, which felt like was shedding light on how we would prank each other, find any way to make the other uncomfortable until we were in each other’s pants. We made a silent point of becoming best friends first, even if I told him how loose I was with sex, I guess I didn’t know myself either.

“No!” I said, baffled.

“Well… let’s make a deal.” I was all eyes on him, not even understanding reality with the ginger husband. “You fucking tell me who you’re screwing and for fuck’s sake if it’s Grindr and you’re back to fucking going out of town and fucking construction workers who will surely pull a bareba-”

“I’m interested in a woman, actually.” Armitage was so excited mocking me and making the situation light. He stopped talking. He tilted his head.

There was no anger. Just confusion.

“Who?” He asked.

Fuck. Shit. Could I out Rey like this?

“I mean, I know you.” He pointed at me until he bopped my forehead. He was making a fool out of me. “I was stupid. You were stupid. I love you, I hope you love me, but then you wouldn’t have so much guilt written all over your face.”

“Fuck off and I do love you.”

“Listen, regardless of who you’re fucking… Just tell me a rough… outline. I swear I’ll try not to be jealous. I can’t promise no weird questions. I’ll be stupid too, trust me. Just… please, trust me.” He pulled me in.

“I… I don’t know how to say this…”

“Is she also cheating?” I could feel Armitage’s glare and judgement through his skin. I guess he anticipated that I would come out as poly, apparently.

“Uh… she’s single, from what I know.” I said blatantly.

“So… it’s not a one time thing, then…” He mused out while embracing me harder, as some granny walked past us, used to our gay shenanigans.

“…I hope not. I… feel something. But I don’t know where it will lead and I’ve always been with men, so this… could be some sort of test for me. I don’t know.”

“You do realize bisexual men exist?”

“I… I wouldn’t say I am one, I think. I mean, it’s just one girl. But… I dunno.” Why was this so easy? I sighed and he patted my back. “I’m not your homie.” I scuffed.

“Lies. Anyway, chill, I’d be scared if you fucking went to Vegas and left me without a reply. Communication is good, on both ends.”

“You should get more patients.” I remarked.

“Shut up.” Armitage laughed.

“I do wanna say that I keep fucking forgetting to buy you floss.”

“Seriously? The supermarket is literally next to your gym!” I exclaim. “It’s been two weeks!”

“Who the fuck even flosses?”

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to write something light, which would come naturally I guess, since I've got like who knows how many dystopian stories going on right now. 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed it and thank you for your support!


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